Thanks Madison Woods for a superb photo prompt this week. You can see her story here.
I love mountains and find stories about climbing them fascinating so I was thrilled when this photo came up. Here’s my attempt, little over this week with 130 words.
Mother of the Universe
Climbing over abandoned crampons and climbers curled up in tombs of ice, I struggled to catch my breath.
For two days we had been stranded at camp three. I could do nothing but lay motionless in the pitch black and listen to the storm pound the tent. Aching lungs and a heavy head did little to deter me from my summit dream yet the deafening roar of the wind reminded me that I was in a world that did not belong to man.
My canned oxygen felt thin doing little to help the destruction I was inflicting upon my body. As the moon landscape disappeared the peak beckoned us into pale yellow and blue sky. Her spirit possessed us. Surrendering to the mother of the universe she captured our souls.
The Write Kit 
Hi there, you have the makings of some good writing here, but you do need a little editing – and trying to get the work down to 100 words would really help.
Firstly, you need a comma after ice in your first sentence, in fact, you are missing quite a few commas in your entire story and they would really help the reader.
But because your description of the frozen climbers is so beautiful, you should really change that first sentence, perhaps putting the climbers first and the crampons second….
You do not need “the” before Camp Three, then “where I lay motionless” would serve you just as well. Oh dear, I am a fan of the 100 word flash fiction story to hone your writing skills and teach you the power of each individual word.
Bossy as I am, I really think you should try to edit this down, as it is very beautiful, and you could almost reach perfection if you tried.
Hi and thank you so much for the honest critique. You are right, it does need a little editing and have made some changes.
I agree flash fiction is a fantastic way of honing your writing skills. However recently I have been struggling to even write short stories so I’m worried that I have conditioned myself to only write flash fiction (sounds daft, I know) so being a bit more liberal with my word count.
Again, thank you taking time to stop by and comment. Really is appreciated 🙂
Your first line is chilling. Lovely ending, Emma.
http://tedstrutz.com/2012/06/01/friday-fictioneers-one-natural-disaster-on-its-way/
Thank you Ted 🙂
I love the phrase “canned oxygen”. I know what you meant, but I can’t help but picture someone opening a little aluminum can (such as green beans or corn, but instead oxygen) with a can opener.
http://authorbrandonscott.wordpress.com/2012/05/31/be-warned/
Ha, yeah to be honest I thought that too. Just couldn’t think of any other way to describe oxygen, in a can. Thanks for stopping by.
And now that’s all I can picture. Lol
This is a story with a lot of potential! The first sentence is chilling and really sets the scene. I do think the end would be improved by tightening it up a lot – it seems to dissolve into mysticism, and I think sticking to the gritty sort of details you began with would be more terrifying. (Something along the lines of “Lying on the ice, I felt my own tomb starting to form”, maybe, but that’s just how I might word it.) Again, you have a basically good story here.
My attempt – http://newpillowbook.wordpress.com/2012/06/01/friday-fictioneers-caravan/
Thank you for the comments and the critique. I struggled with the ending a bit and you’re spot on with the mysticism vs gritty details. I wanted to stick with gritty but I ended up re-writing too many times and ended up with that. May give it another go and see if I can get it right.
I enjoyed reading this piece and it sounds as though you have some good advice here. Loved the opening line.
Thank you! And sorry for the late reply as I have been on holiday for past week so haven’t had chance to get online.
I think this is fine story nevertheless. Mine is here: http://readinpleasure.wordpress.com/2012/06/01/fridayfictioneers-my-pilot/
Thank you! 🙂
I li
Here’s my attempt: http://unduecreativity.wordpress.com/2012/05/31/the-beautiful-hush/
Well done. I really like this! And there is some good advice here for you….
Here’s mine: http://theforgottenwife.com/2012/05/30/friday-fictioneers-1-june-2012-the-conquerer/
I always appreciate a bit of advice, hopefully will help me develop and watch out for potential pitfalls! Thank you for stopping by.
Like other critics, I think this has the potential to be a powerful piece, but it could use some serious editing. Personally, I would also cut to 100 words, because I think that process has a real value, but the length is up to you. A couple of line edits (there are others if you want to take time going through it)…
“listen to the storm *pounding* the tent”
“that I was in a world *which* didn’t belong…”
“The moon landscape disappeared” – this presumably would be a slightly more gradual change than you portray.
And if I were your editor, I’d liberally sprinkle commas between your run on sentences.
You have a great way with words, and I hope that you find suggested edits useful rather than depressing. Sometimes I publish blog posts with little or no editing, and if you do that, it might be worth putting a rider on so we focus on the general direction not the detail!
Thank you! Yes it could do with editing and I admit I should have probably put something on here to say that it was ever so slightly rushed (did it in my 30 min lunch break) As always I appreciate the comments and pleased that you can be honest – how else can I develop? It’s the main reason why I keep a blog else I will never get any feedback.
Excellent use of the prompt. I agree with some of the others — though it’s really tough to stay within the 100 words, I think it’s a great exercise. I loved the last line, too!
–Jan
Hi Jan, yes it’s tough staying in the 100 words. It’s not something I’m doing too well with at the moment but mainly because I am struggling to find the time to cut it down. But I shall prevail! As you say, it is a great exercise so should honour that.
Wow, I am never taking up mountain climbing. Seems like everyone in Friday Fictioneer land is getting stranded—or some such—this week.
Here’s mine:http://teschoenborn.com/2012/06/01/friday-fictioneers-4/
I have just finished reading Touching the Void whilst on holiday this week and have come to the same conclusion. Don’t mess with Mother Nature, unless you are incredibly brave (Which I am not!) Thank you for stopping by.
Reminds me of “Into thin Air” and the timing is very appropriate as those four Everest climbers just died. Even as likely death awaits, you do a good job of keeping the climbers sense of awe of the mountain. Here’s mine: http://postcardfiction.com/2012/06/01/payback/.
Thanks Janet. I haven’t actually ready that but as I said above, just finished reading Touching the Void.
Surrendering to the mother of the universe she captured our souls.
“surrendering to the mother of the universe” is modifying the next (pro)noun.
“she” is the next (pro)noun. this means the mother of the universe surrendered to herself. it should go like this:
surrendering to the mother of the universe, our souls were captured.
Ah thanks for that Rich… noted and will amend!
I was sucked in with the first sentence. This brought me right back to the way I felt reading “Into Thin Air.” Well done.
Here’s mine: http://thebradleychronicles.wordpress.com/2012/05/30/flash-fiction-friday-an-addiction/
Thank you very much!
Good use of words to create an unknown world.
Here’s mine: http://logo-ligi.com/2012/06/01/the-standpoint/
Thank you. An unknown and terrifying world… it fascinates me!